I have been
trying to get myself to write since my last entry. Though many things have
happened—traveling to Lima, growing in my relationships, eating many delicious
dishes, getting sick, getting better, and more—I find that the longer I am
here, the harder it is to summarize my experience in a page or two of a blog
entry. I just cannot seem to capture the essence of this experience I am
living. My community-mate once shared with me her mother’s words of wisdom,
“stay in a country for 2 days, write a novel; stay for 2 weeks, write a paper;
stay for 2 years, write 2 sentences.” Oh, after only 6 months, I realize the
truth in her words. The longer I am here, the less my experience is like my
past whimsical, idealized short-term service, whose stories could fill
conversations, journals, and application essays. Though those events in my life were and have
been ever so meaningful in my development and formation, the fact is that they
were different. The longer I stay, as I make a home and a life here, Peru and
its people show me bits and pieces of a reality that short-term service would
only begin to reveal or simply suggest.
Not every day is
this glamorized adventure, as is assumed by many of my friends and family at
home. I could say that every day is filled with new information to take in, process,
and reflect, but the truth is that I don’t notice it every day. The moments I
am oblivious to only prove to show that I am not living on a high of a two week
or month-long trip. I am creating a life here, with all of the dimensions which
life has to offer—the joys and pains, the fears and excitements, the
awkwardness, and, even, the autopilot of going through routine. Long-term
service requires creating a lifestyle that is sustainable, even if that means
“missing out” and experiencing major FOMO (FOMO=fear of missing out)or, as
Megan, a friend and fellow JV placed in Chile says, “FOMO at the mouth.”
***
Long-term
service is beginning to show and remind me that the people I meet, know, and
grow to love are not merely objects of my experience, but human beings who are
inviting me into their reality. This has been the most meaningful process--growing
in this relationship. As I spend more
time with these people who I now call friends it helps to truly
understand that these people, the community of Andahuaylillas and neighboring
communities, are not to be objectified or seen as the trope of the Andean
culture, but are to be humanized through these mutual interactions and through
sharing our authentic selves. This is a difficult process, I admit. Authenticity
requires seeing a reality in the communities that is sometimes hard to accept
or, rather, understand. There are many things that I do not understand. I do
not understand the willingness to give power to alcohol, allowing it to destroy
one’s own self and family. I do not understand child abandonment or abuse. I do
not understand when students reject to pursue their education. Equally, I do
not fully understand the importance and richness of ritual seen in the
pilgrimage of Señor de Qoyllorit’i (a 4-day pilgrimage at the base of the 5th
highest mountain in Peru, Ausangate). I do not fully understand what
it really means to feel connected to Pachamama (Mother Earth) or the emotional
highs and lows of harvest season.
These and many
more aspects, both the profoundly beautiful and the difficult to swallow, are facets
of the culture that require time, complete
cultural comprehension and immersion. Though I will be here for two years
(which seems substantial, but it really is not), I believe I will always view
this culture through an outsider’s lens. Due to this, there are many things I
will not understand throughout and beyond my service here. However, I do not
believe it is truly my place to be "as Peruvian as I can be", at least I do not
think that is the way to seek solidarity with whom I live. Instead, I am wrestling
with engaging my authentic self. In an attempt to live out my authentic self,
with all of my imperfections, I hope that this only reminds me to invite others
to further explore their authentic selves, without judgment. Hierald, my Program Coordinator, shared this
quote with me from Dr. Brene Brown which touches on the subject of living
authentically.
“Authenticity is a daily
practice. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be
emotionally honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
exercising compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength
and struggle and connect to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit;
nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we
let go of what we are supposed to be and embrace who we are. Authenticity
demands wholehearted living and loving-even when it’s hard, even when we’re
wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when
the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is
how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.”
